Peeling an Onion: Learning to Let Go, Again


I absolutely adore this photo – look at that face.  Such love and comfort there. I was moved this week to provide some of that to myself:  I am taking a couple of online courses focused on stepping up, learning to feel more comfortable sharing my work, following my heart’s desires.  True to form I dove into this, taking a couple classes at the same time.  (This is actually the way I prefer to learn, diving in.  I hadn’t noticed this about me before but did once I was in the midst of four ongoing classes about roughly the same thing – and when I noticed this I thought it might work with the kids as well and it does – we are making progress on their homework by focusing on only one class until it’s done and then moving on).  Small triumph with a big payoff there.

Anyway, as part of one of the classes I got a mini-reading from Sonia Choquette.  I’ve loved her work for a long time and had a reading with her about 20 years ago.  Much of what she wrote verified what I have been hearing in meditations from my Family and others for awhile: time to step up, be more visible, share what I know to help people become more comfortable with their own divinity and ascension.

But then she wrote something that kicked me into another old energy: it is time to be more child like, trusting that I am safe and protected.  I went into an immediate fear reaction reading this – I dug deeper, followed it back.  It wasn’t the fears of before, it goes back to the time when my parents didn’t help me after I was abused: the energy is ‘I have to take care of everything’, realizing I couldn’t count on my parents.

That’s when I made my plans for my life: where I would go to college, what I would major in, going into Peace Corps after that, etc.  I had always thought that doing this when I was 12 just indicated that I had a deep calling for my work (which is true) but the driver behind making those decisions then – and my decision to work so much during high school and to focus on a job that could provide a way to earn money and not focus on my creativity/writing – came from that time.

I was actually gagging when this energy came up – such an old panic and fear.  I was so afraid and so alone.  What a brave little soul I was.  So, of course, I decided to take another journey today to heal that energy and see why it came up now.

I enter the Temple and I’m in a room of mirrors showing me at different stages of my life – including one mirror of me at age seven where I am almost invisible (this was the age where I decided my parents would have been better off if I hadn’t been born).  I ask what I am becoming and there is an image in front of me.  She comes out of the mirror: ‘free and happy’ she says.  She takes my hand and leads me into a scrubby landscape and we head towards a small woods that she tells me she wants to show me.

We head down a gradual slope to a lake.  On the shore, under the trees and glowing with light is a wicker structure, kind of like this:

Image:    Urban park installation, Taipei (from article)

From the outside it resembles a long seed pod.  When I enter the doorway I am suddenly merged with my I AM Presence: calmer, more confident, not searching inward but looking out at interactions with people and the land.

My Family of Light is inside, arranged around a fire pit.  They are each tossing in small pieces of materials.  I ask what they are and Pan says they are pieces of dreams – we will all work together to bring into expressions the dreams of the whole family.  “Let’s heal this,” I say and they all come forward and throw something into the flames.  The Angelic choirs are here now as well – a long procession of beings.  The fire keeps burning.

Kashaka comes walking in the door with a little girl riding him – the four year old, happy ‘me’ from a previous post  whose wonderful energy stayed with me for a long time but then slipped away.   The wheel turns a bit and I come back to the same lesson again but in a deeper way.  She is smiling but gets very serious when she sees me.  She climbs off Kashaka but keeps a plump little hand on his fur, playing with it.

She comes forward and I squat down.  She stands directly in front of me.  “I am the next step,” she says seriously.  “You will be me but will grow to be fearless.  You will sing to the soil and the birds and the trees.  And they will sing back.  Weaving sound into the land – and then the Mother sings back.  Not songs like the birds sing – more a hum, a chorus of harmonies – and the Light of the Angels goes into the land so it is Heaven again.  This is what we do now.”

She walks into the flames of the small fire.  They shoot up and then a Baobab tree grows quickly in the center – like a time lapse photo- to the point where one ripe fruit hangs down.

Chi’tuusma has come into the dream pod at some point during this and leaps to catch the fruit in her jaws and brings it gingerly to me.  I reach out to take it but Archangel Michael comes forward.  “This is the fruit of our family, the fruition of our dreams and plans and efforts, our Divine Mission for your life rolled into one.  We enact it as one for this lifetime with you.”

He holds the large fruit in his palm and tells me to touch it – and then many hands reach forward to touch it, one representative from each group of my family: Isis and Pan and Kamuel and Kashaka and now Apollo is here reaching out as well.

“So be it,” AA Michael says and all repeat it.  The energy from the seed moves into each of us, I watch it move into me like an iridescent snake and rest as another flame in my heart.  The seed becomes desiccated and AA Michael takes the dried shell and places it gently at the base of the tree (which has grown through the roof and now forms a canopy above us).

“This is our dream circle and we convene to transmit our Light as one when we envision and enliven our work moving forward,” Apollo states.  At this everyone starts to drift away except for Kashaka and Chi’tuusma.  I make a small place to rest amidst the roots and the three of us snuggle together, and I sleep.


I am reading a great book from Martha Beck that made me sob, quivering lip and all, just from the description at the beginning: part of the book discusses her work with a group focused on restoring degraded lands in a game reserve.  There’s obviously something there for me to follow up on and I think it builds upon the details of my meditation.  Clues in the treasure hunt, let’s see where they take me.


2 responses

  1. very nice Julie, you deserve to be/feel free! I’m glad you found a way for your sons to focus on thier homework, namaste, Kate

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: